Rachel,
How are you?? From what I read on your blog you have been having quite the time in Dharamsala! I have really enjoyed reading your blog. It makes me miss McLeod a lot... but it makes me so happy to hear about the experiences you guys are having there!
So I have been meaning to write for a while because your blog a few weeks back made me think about my own experience so much... and I thought I'd share some thoughts with you. Now please keep in mind, this is not advice, but merely just a chance for me to share what my experience was because I had so many of the same thoughts you did. So I hope you don't mind me sharing a few thoughts. It was about your blog on french fries. Man, I totally knew that same feeling the first time I was there. My family was much the same- changing the channel when I was around, never letting me help with anything... It was frustrating and made me feel like not only a guest, but an outsider. Like a temporary visitor. And I remember feeling so much the same way. I felt like an outsider, despite my trying so hard to be a part of everything I could. So I left India the first time, still feeling like a frustrated outsider.
However, when I went home I ended up having quite an interesting bout of return culture shock. There was a lot going on for me at that time, so I'm sure a lot of it was outside influences as well. But I returned home feeling like an "outsider." I laughed and thought, I was an outsider there, so how am I an outsider again at home? As I started looking into myself to find out why, I realized that this field study, this first time abroad for me, changed me. Even though I felt so lost there at times, this experience still changed me. When I returned home, I looked at the world differently, at other people differently, and especially at myself differently. So coming home, I felt like an "outsider" because I was now seeing things differently. Church was hard for a while- I could not understand how people could say such narrow things, how they could view their brothers and sisters in such a way... It took me quite a while to not get worked up over things people would say, or why they could not understand.
Ok, so the reason I am telling you this is not to scare you, for I know you know what it's like to come home after such experiences. I'm sure you are a pro by now ;) But rather I am sharing this to bring up the point that yes, we can really feel like outsiders when in another setting, when in another culture, but we can also feel like it within our own at times too. I think it's less about the cultural differences on the outside, as with what is going on within us, if that makes sense.
For me the first time in the field I was having so many new experiences and I was trying so hard to process them. I felt barriers with people because I did not know how to communicate properly with them or how to act appropriately. I was always watching what I was doing and saying, trying so hard not to offend or do the wrong thing. But the second time, I decided not to do this. I decided that I wanted to try a different approach. I wanted to feel comfortable and I didn't want to let not knowing what to do or how to act get in the way. I came to terms with the fact that I didn't know how to behave properly and that I would not always communicate properly. I decided to not try to be "Tibetan" or "Indian" or "American," but to try, as best as I could, to play merely the role of myself as best I could. I expressed as best I could what I thought and felt when I thought and felt it. I acted the best way I could and then just laughed and apologized when I goofed up. I went in not trying to act as an "insider," because I realized I could never fully be one. But I didn't act as an "outsider" either, because I wanted to experience as much as I could. I merely tried to be myself, the best self I could be, which was neither the insider nor the outsider.
Now I got lucky the second time. The family I was with was a perfect match for me. They had never hosted before so they just went about life in as normal a way as they could, though maybe a bit shy at first. They acted in the only way they knew how in their home- as themselves, and I acted as I had promised myself I would act, as myself. That worked for us. We were all the best we could be, neither insiders nor outsiders, neither Tibetan or American... just ourselves. We weren't worried about fulfilling "roles" as host and guest, as Tibetans or American... we just were ourselves. Which yes, those differences came out, but in a more natural way, in a way we could laugh and joke and appreciate in one another. So yes, there were still differences and miscommunications, to be sure. But we didn't let that get in the way. Honestly, I think this is the place of beauty in intercultural experiences. When we are able to get past labels, concerns, discomforts, etc and just see each other as human beings. When we are able to be ourselves, faux pas and faults along with the good and genuine. I hope this is making some amount of sense... though I doubt it is and I apologize for that.
Also, I loved your Gandhi blog. He has become one of my heroes. I am listening to a course from Berkeley on non-violence. The professor is clearly a Gandhian at heart. And if it is of any consequence, Gandhi too had faults and wasn't always sure how to act. He too made mistakes and was unsure of which direction to go at times. But one thing I really loved learning recently was that Gandhi after years of trial and error and teaching, living, etc got up and spoke for hours and hours. One guy realized he had no notes or anything. He just spoke and spoke. This guy was amazed and asked one of Gandhi's friends how he could do that. This close friend of Gandhi said he can do this because it's how he lives. He doesn't have to remember anything because it is how he lives and thinks and acts every day. This goes along with one of his famous sayings, "Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." I completely believe in this statement and believe that is so much of what this life is about, about finding a way to be ourselves in every situation, to let go of our mistakes, to let go of our fears and our uncomfortability when we don't know what to do and just live. To say, do and be the best we can, with those good intentions and pure heart, and be willing to learn, work and love with those around us. Ultimately, I think our happiness and our ability to live among and love and accept others, lies in our ability to be completely ourselves, to love ourselves and be comfort with ourselves no matter what circumstances we are put in, be in at home or abroad.
Oh, and I hope you don't take that the wrong way! I am totally not saying you are not doing these things, and that you need to do them... PLEASE don't take it that way. I have the utmost respect for you Rachel. I think you are fantastic and a wonderful person, both at home and abroad. I guess I just wanted to share with you a few thoughts I had on the subject concerning myself. It was quite the painful experience for me the first time. But the second time... was amazing. I found myself in India that second time and though I still make a complete fool of myself at times, I've never felt more like myself in every aspect.
Also, some day I want to discuss Gandhi with you. I think we could have a blast with it. Anyway, I've made this much, much to long now... So I will go. But take care Rachel, and I am so glad that you are having the experiences you are!! Keep up the good work, and I'll try not to pester you again while you are in the field ;)
Melissa
- Gandhi blog and his take on family... we discussed this, some of the girls in our group on several occasions, particularly after "church" on a few Sundays... Is our best potential as women really to be only a mother? or can we, and should we, strive to do more outside of the home as well?.... does "volunteer" work count? I remember posing the question to one of our girls as she talked about wanting to do all this volunteer work, but not have a paid job- does it matter if you are paid or not, if you still spend that same amount of time outside the home? Is having a paid job less worthy than volunteering?
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